You know when you’ve done something wrong. The burning sense of guilt eats away at your insides like acid. It’s disgusting, revolting, but gets the sensation across.
And that wasn’t how I wanted to feel.
Mathematics used to be my life. Everything was supposed to able to dumb down to science. Physics. Chemistry. All of it was supposed to make sense if you looked at it with the maths. Every. Single. Thing.
Because mathematics could relate to anything.
And for fourteen years of my life, that was the only truth I knew.
Then I met you.
And when I finally realised my feelings towards you, it was too late. It had gone too far. And there was no mathematics in this section. No bones. Just plain old flesh of hormones and attraction.
I’m surprised that I can even remain sane around you. The amount of force it takes for me just to not say it. The self-control I need to not express out all my feelings. The amount of desire, of belonging I just need to bottle up to remain around you.
Because I wouldn’t risk our friendship. Not after what I’ve been through.
I suppose these things, confessions or whatever you might call it are simply exercises for me to get used to saying this. There’s just so much bottled up in my head, and I have to let it out. And when one stage of exercises don’t work, I have to move on. And reveal more.
But this is nothing more than a delay tactic. I can’t hold this in forever. Because I know you’ll leave me one day. Our friendship is there, and then it isn’t. It wavers in the wind. And for once, just for once, I’ve actually wished… I’ve actually wished that you might starting noticing me the way I notice you.
But it could never be, could it? Would you ever accept me? Because I’m ready, and I could take it, but I don’t want to hurt you. And if I make it too blunt, I’m scared that I’m going to hurt you. I’m scared, and for once, I don’t know how to solve it.
I don’t know how to do anything anymore.
I tried to be with you. Perhaps not in the most obvious of ways, but it was all I could manage without hurting you. And sometimes it felt like you were returning the favour. But sometimes it just felt like I was there, and you would see me sometimes, and ignore me others… sometimes I realised I wasn’t important enough for you.
I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore. I don’t know why I keep to the dark. I’ve realised this is it. I’ve either got to step out into the light and just tell you everything, or kill this feeling once and for all.
But I don’t know, and I don’t know, and I don’t know… there are too many variables in this thing for me to calculate. I don’t even have equations. I don’t even have anything to base this on.
Because it’s all done by feel, and honestly?
I only feel for you.
I wonder and wonder.
Will you ever realise?
Written by Adrian Dakota, 23 May 2011. You still haven’t found out, but there isn’t much time left before I decide whether to tell you.