Beginnings or endings?

by adrian.dakota

Have you begun to work it out yet? Because I’m waiting, and I can’t wait for much longer. This feeling… it burns inside me, and sooner or later, I have to let it out; but I can’t risk hurting you, and I can’t just tell you straight up, lest I scar your life forever.

Five times. This is the fifth time I’ve tried to tell you, but you still haven’t realised. And it’s been an endless number of times since I held myself from saying those three words. I don’t want to… but I’ve been avoiding you to save myself, but unable to tear myself from you completely.

I never thought you would realise. But today… today you seemed different. For a fleeting, burning moment, I thought you had finally found out. And I thought… I thought you were trying to return the same feeling in the same, masked way.

But it wasn’t obvious enough. And once I found more, I begin to wonder; did you really give me your place because you were returning the favour, or simply because your obligations and need to fulfil your friends’ and mates’ demands prevented you otherwise? What made you choose me over the others? Was it actual, returned attraction, or simply preferred friendship? I don’t know…

 
I want to know so much. But I could only find out so little.
 
And I can feel the desperation building up. All those relieve systems I’ve been using to try to get rid of this burning passion. They’re not going to work indefinitely… sooner or later, it’ll all come out.
 
But it wasn’t meant to be like this, was it? If someone hadn’t interfered, hadn’t encouraged this small match to become a raging inferno, I wouldn’t feel like this, would I? I wouldn’t have starting liking you, would I?
 
Why you? Why, why? Why the one person who would cause the most trouble, why the one person who had the highest chance of rejecting me? Why you? Why the one that would create such a whipping rumour if anyone knew? Only a select few know the actual secret, although many more are aware of its existence… and I wonder where you currently are, and where you’ll end up.
 
Because I know, I know that I’ll tell you someday, but I don’t know how you’ll respond. How I’ll respond.
 
And I have to thank you for postponing half the work next week until the week after. But…
 
What are you feeling about me? What was your reason behind all the actions? I don’t know…
 
To me, it’s all just pointless questions, now.
 
I really want to know what you think. But for the first time, I can’t, and I know that I can’t.
 
And I’m scared to actually try.
 
Written by Adrian Dakota, 24 May 2011. 
Is my desire simply a one way beacon? Or is there something coming from you as well? Because I can’t feel it, I really can’t.
But I wish there was.
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